December 23, 2013

TOP 10: Worst Films of 2013

    There are certain movies this year that I've not seen due to their critical bashing, i.e. After Earth. However, there were many horrible films this year. Some underwhelmed me, some made me wan't to scream, and some were just a little too much. Here are the top 10 worst films of 2013.

1.   The Lone Ranger

I was looking forward to this film. Starring Johnny Depp and Armie Hammer and being a western, it seemed like a good fit for me. Instead, the characters were unlikable and the movie wasn't the Lone Ranger's movie, it was Tonto's. The western aspect was ignored and the view towards the Native Americans was racist. The story was horribly written. It felt like the writers took two days to write the script and didn't care to polished it. Grade: F

"Depp, you're rich and can have any role you want. Me, on the other hand. Well, I just made a big mistake!"

2.   A Good Day To Die Hard

The Die Hard film franchise has finally died. It began its downfall with Live Free Die Hard and has just plummeted down the fan base. It's because Bruce Willis is getting old and the studio is looking for replacements, but they can't find a suitable actor to replace Willis. You notice that Willis is bored out of his mind the entire film and Jai Courtney can't act. Better luck next time. The story was poorly written and the dialogue, crummy. Let's take the story back to the good old days. Give us a memorable villain and a fun, witty action hero. I feel we don't get those nowadays. Grade: F

Father and son at last! I wonder what happened to Samuel L. Jackson's character. Any thoughts?

3.   The Host

No one remembered this film. That's how bad it was. Only reason I remember this, was because after the film I went and had great sushi. No one knew how to act. This film tried to feed off the popularity of the Twilight franchise, because only the readers of Stephanie Meyer books would know about this catastrophe. Pacing was off and the dialogue was nails-on-a-chalkboard. Grade: F

Choose to not see this movie. Like, never see it. 

4.   World War Z 

Why make a PG-13 zombie movie? The story was surprisingly boring, and the action sequences underwhelmed. It also seemed that the screenwriters had no clue what to write about. They read the book and decided to make an entirely different film, finding out that letting Brad Pitt go to one city and that city being destroyed by zombies could work three or four more times. It was annoying to get the same repeated situation over and over. And, the Pepsi product placement was phenomenally the best ass-hole move any company made this year. What made this film great? Give me your argument. I dare you. Grade: D

Mmm! Product Placement

5.   Oldboy

Yep. This was made. The upside is, it won't be remembered. The downside is, I actually had to watch this film. The chemistry of the actors, the acting, the story, the special effects, the action, were all horrible. Nothing blended together and it felt like Spike Lee tried too hard to deviate from the original film. All the excitement and grandeur was lost. Grade: D

"Stop! Hammer time!"

6.  White House Down

Here's another film that disappointed me. I had just got done watching Olympus Has Fallen, and decided to give this film a try. To say the least, it was not as exciting. This film trades story and action for cheap jokes and special effects. In a year with two White House invasion films, this one faltered in story telling, action, and acting.  Grade: D


7.  Charlie Countryman

This film just had too many story problems. The writer crammed every idea into this small film, and it became overwhelming. It was an acid trip, a love story, a mafia tale, and it was all over the place. No one gave a damn on their performances. There were some subplots that never developed and the film ended quickly. Grade: D+

"I can act. I promise I can."

8.   Movie 43

This film had its moments, but as I watched it I was wondering why any of these actors would embarrass themselves. Halle Berry stuffing hot sauce up her vagina, a naked iBabe (like an iPod except life-sized hot woman), and balls on the chin. The film had a serious undertone about the qualities, the sacrifices, and how hard it is to make it in Hollywood, but it was all lost on goofiness and bad jokes. Grade: D+

"This ain't hockey!" - There are around 30 'black' hockey players in the NHL. True story!

9.   The Hangover: Part 3

I didn't know what to expect. I knew it was a different story than the previous two, but it was a slowly paced, strange story that didn't make much sense. I would have been okay if the Wolfpack just did the same plot from the previous films in New York City or something. Each character was used up and the jokes were cheap. Funny moments were few and far between. Grade: C-

"Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon."

10.  A Place Beyond the Pines

I'll admit, I watched this film for Ryan Gosling. Then 30 minutes into the film, Ryan Gosling dies. The film's about generations and how your actions today might bring consequences to your children later in life. It was interesting at best, but the pacing was off and the movie trailers lied about the film's plot. Executives had no clue on how to market the film, so it fell on the shoulders of Gosling and didn't succeed. Grade: C-

Look at that beautiful face!

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